Quantum Ogre

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April 1, 2016 by M Grant

This very serious article concerns a very serious monster.

Ogres are stupid; this is common knowledge.  An ogre might know where it is, or how fast it’s going, but it can’t conceive of both at once.  This explains why ogres cannot be toilet trained.  But when an ogre develops psionic powers, its existential uncertainty becomes perplexing problem.  It becomes a Quantum Ogre.

(An ogre tends to develop psionic powers when it discovers a set of railroad tracks, which, for some reason, the ogre then becomes compelled to disguise by piling leaves, bones, rocks, or whatever else is at hand atop them.)

When a quantum ogre walks down a fork in the road or through one of multiple doors to exit a room, its psionically-enhanced confusion causes it to multilocate across both destinations.  Once this happens, the ogre generally panics, dispersing itself into several noncontiguous fields of possible ogres.

Dispelling the psionic power that the ogre has unintentionally cast frees it from its cloud of confusion, as does enhancing its mental faculties, but both of these solutions are temporary.  The moment the ogre tries to leave by one of multiple exits, it becomes split again.  Death is a more permanent solution.

quantumogre

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